I was fired on Saturday. I have never before in my life been fired. The job that I was currently working was through a temp agency, and so the representative called me on Saturday afternoon to tell me that Challenger School did not want me to return. According to her, it was because "we were having a few issues with tardiness and we just didn't really feel that she was happy here". She = me.
I went through the stages of emotions over the weekend. When I first got off the phone with the temp agency lady, I was balling my eyes out. Poor Jared, he walked into the room and thought someone had died because I was crying so hard. I felt like a huge failure. What kind of person gets fired from a job where all they do is answer the phone? Me, apparently. I felt like I let down my family. I feel like I let myself down. I just felt like a huge disapointment and a waste of space.
My pity party continued on through Sunday morning, where I mostly thought about the blow to my self confidence. I thought about being a mother, and if I couldn't even manage to keep a job as a lowly receptionist, what kind of mom am I going to be? I focused on every little mistake and weakness that I possess, and couldn't seem to get past the negative.
Then I went to church. I took the sacrament, and I prayed fervently during most of the meeting, wondering why the heck this happened to us. In Sunday school the teacher read a really great quote about fairy tale characters, and how in between Once Upon A Time and Happily Ever After all of the characters went through trial and sacrifice. Just like our lives. Before we reach our own Happily Ever After, we experience trial and tribulation and are asked to sacrifice things that are important to us. I realized that it doesn't really matter what the reason was for me losing this job. I am incapable of seeing the bigger picture, and whether this was just an experience to teach me something, a consequence for something I did/didn't do, or whether there are bigger things in store for me than working at Challenger School.. what's done is done, and all I can do now is learn from my mistakes.
I realized that with the last few jobs I've felt like they were beneath me. They were boring, and a trained monkey could do the work that I was getting paid to do. I had a bad attitude. Even though I said I was grateful for the paycheck, I wasn't truly grateful for the job and I wasn't performing with excellence like I'm required to do. I KNOW the kind of person I am and the kind of work I can do. I can work hard, and do a good job and perform with excellence. For whatever reason, I haven't been doing that. It doesn't matter what work I'm asked to do, there is no excuse for me to slack and do a job badly. That's not the way I was taught and that is definitely not the person I want to be OR the example I want to set for my children. While it may be several years before I work full time again, I will always remember this experience and remember that I was fired because I didn't do my best. What's in the past is in the past, and I can't undo it. That doesn't mean that the next time around I can't do better and succeed. I'm so grateful that in life we are given second chances. We have an opportunity to ask for forgiveness and to move on and do it right the next time. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to put my heart and soul into being a mother and taking care of this household, and I'm going to do the dang best job I know how to do. Both Jared and my children deserve that from me, and I'm going to give it to them.
Speaking of Jared.. have I mentioned that he is the most amazing man? I've often wondered what the heck I did to deserve a man such as him. Especially in times like this when I completely and utterly fail. He was very calm and reassuring, despite my hysterical attitude and statements. He sat down with me and showed me that even though we aren't going to be able to accomplish the goals we wanted to before having the baby, we will be all right. We are going to have to sacrifice, and we are going to have to have faith that Heavenly Father won't let us fail. I'm grateful for Jared and his example. He works his butt off for this family, and I know that given a little time he will be successful and will accomplish the career and financial goals he has set for himself. I love my husband more than anything in this world, and he is always there for me when I'm in the middle of a crisis. Which, unfortunately, seems to happen a lot.
So, that was my weekend. I'm now a stay at home mom without the mom part until November. I'm going to look for a job that I can do at home, and I'm going to become an avid couponer and frugal shopper. I'm going to clean the house like mad, and think of all sorts of projects to do to get ready for the baby. I now have all the time in the world to nest and prepare myself for the wonderful role of being a mother. I would rather have kept working, but it didn't work out that way so I'm going to go with the flow and make do with what I've got. Which, right now is a bed full of laundry to fold and a fridge to clean. ;-)